falling apart and praying

Its all pretty fragile really.

All of it.  Every last drop of the day...this thing called life.

And when your trying to get off sugar (which is crack for me) and your best friend is being ripped open vulnerable from cancer, and your sons amazing tutor just lost her husband of 60 years and you see the loss in her eyes each week, and a sweet fella of 5 in your community and kids sunday school class has a brain tumor and is waiting for results from a biopsy and your friend and kids violin teacher of 3 years is recovering from throat surgery that may affect her voice, and another friend is close to walking away from her marriage and kids...the breaking point isn't all that far away.

Life is messy.  So I cuss in front of my kids, throw the game across the room and run to my room, squat down in the fetal position in the darkness.  And I cry.

As my self talk goes negative and harsh, I catch myself, or the Divine, Holy One who created me catches me and I free fall into grace...into His arms like a nursing mother gathers her hens.  Yea....those arms.  The squeeze you tight and squishy pushing the tears up and out kind of arms.  Leaving me head down grinning, lifting a hand up in the air kinda way, palms open ready to receive some fresh rain.  Kinda like my cousins new bride did last summer after their hot Charleston wedding.

"Jesus" I inhale..."I belong to you," I exhale.

I learned this in a class at church during lent last year as a way of praying, of being mindful.  It sure has a way of helping me get my feet back on the ground.  Helping me remember who I am and that I'm not alone in this messy world, in my messy heart, this messy house for that matter.  It helps me not be lost for the whole day long.  And that prayer isn't all neat and tidied up when your hair is done and your sitting happily in church or sipping tea in the quiet.

It is called the "Breath Prayer."  And you can so do it.  There are many different ways and words to use.  First address God in any one of the many names He has...Abba, Father/Mother, Spirit, Holy One then with your exhale breath you either offer a thanks or a prayer.  Pretty down right simple.  Lord...Help is a great one I've also used...or Father...Your so good...or Jesus...I need you.

And for me...in these days of constant, simple is good.

And as I have eyes and a heart to see and weep over the hardness all around me I also have eyes to see the beauty that pushes itself up into every day around here.  But for now, I'm not ignoring the pain, I'm bravely feeling it and in a way carrying all these dear fellow brothers and sisters to God's big ole' heart.