falling apart and praying

Its all pretty fragile really.

All of it.  Every last drop of the day...this thing called life.

And when your trying to get off sugar (which is crack for me) and your best friend is being ripped open vulnerable from cancer, and your sons amazing tutor just lost her husband of 60 years and you see the loss in her eyes each week, and a sweet fella of 5 in your community and kids sunday school class has a brain tumor and is waiting for results from a biopsy and your friend and kids violin teacher of 3 years is recovering from throat surgery that may affect her voice, and another friend is close to walking away from her marriage and kids...the breaking point isn't all that far away.

Life is messy.  So I cuss in front of my kids, throw the game across the room and run to my room, squat down in the fetal position in the darkness.  And I cry.

As my self talk goes negative and harsh, I catch myself, or the Divine, Holy One who created me catches me and I free fall into grace...into His arms like a nursing mother gathers her hens.  Yea....those arms.  The squeeze you tight and squishy pushing the tears up and out kind of arms.  Leaving me head down grinning, lifting a hand up in the air kinda way, palms open ready to receive some fresh rain.  Kinda like my cousins new bride did last summer after their hot Charleston wedding.

"Jesus" I inhale..."I belong to you," I exhale.

I learned this in a class at church during lent last year as a way of praying, of being mindful.  It sure has a way of helping me get my feet back on the ground.  Helping me remember who I am and that I'm not alone in this messy world, in my messy heart, this messy house for that matter.  It helps me not be lost for the whole day long.  And that prayer isn't all neat and tidied up when your hair is done and your sitting happily in church or sipping tea in the quiet.

It is called the "Breath Prayer."  And you can so do it.  There are many different ways and words to use.  First address God in any one of the many names He has...Abba, Father/Mother, Spirit, Holy One then with your exhale breath you either offer a thanks or a prayer.  Pretty down right simple.  Lord...Help is a great one I've also used...or Father...Your so good...or Jesus...I need you.

And for me...in these days of constant, simple is good.

And as I have eyes and a heart to see and weep over the hardness all around me I also have eyes to see the beauty that pushes itself up into every day around here.  But for now, I'm not ignoring the pain, I'm bravely feeling it and in a way carrying all these dear fellow brothers and sisters to God's big ole' heart.

Dear Amanda

(these are unpublished words from last summer...finally brave enough to post & need to read!)

Dear Amanda,

You need words girl.  And you need to read and re-read some words.  All us Momma's do really.  Full time, part time, all the time, old, young, spotted or straight.

But as you ran so hard on that precor  yesterday listening to electric violin & the Dallas String Quartet that took your soul a flyin' in the midst of the weariness of the constant work & to-do list your brain ran through a picture rolodex of the last few weeks of your life.  And it was good.  And you wondered how you can darn forget the goodness from one day to the next.

Kind of like those silly Israelites that wandered and wandered forgetting who they were & just what God promised.  I too wake up feeling like an athethist most days,  "Who am I again?"  and "How did I find myself here?"  "Why am I doing this job again?"

 Life at the Monastary making cheese by day, walking to vespers & lauds, sitting in silence with other broken, beautiful souls calls to me often.  I dream about it at night, actually.  But then I put my feet on the ground and am jolted to my reality when a little person crawls up on my lap sucking her thumb in the fetal position just asking to be cuddled.

You made milkshakes for dinner tonight, surprised the heck out of your children, and created some great memories. 

Keep going woman.  Don't give up, throw in the towel, shut down.  Keep LIVING...fighting for life.  

Remember John Eldridge's words,"Make no mistake, every movement towards life...WILL...BE....opposed."

I challenge you this year Amanda Scott Jones Walters to speak more positive, life giving, scripture affirming words to yourself this year.  Keep being the person you want your children to become.  They are watching your actions even more than your words.

Amanda
which means 'worthy of love'

Celebrating our first...13!

We Walters have our first teenager over here!  We ushered him into this year real good, letting him know we acknowledge he is growing up.  We honored this transition into manhood with a fine china sit down dinner with his choice of men & special people he admires around the table as well as his choice of food.  Truly, he is no longer a little boy.  James & I talked with him months ago about what this mile marker birthday would look like. I am soul fat & happy over how it all panned out.  

We celebrate your life Joshua Henry and your place in our
family as the firstborn.  That comes with both privileges and responsibilities I know.  Hasn't always been easy as Dad & I have figured this parenting thing out.  Gosh darn, if we haven't of made a million and two mistakes along the way and felt like surely, we have ruined you now...yet, mercy follows us and you kids are more resilient than we think.  And truly, you have learned along with us and your personhood has been shaped into a compassionate, intelligent leader who is ready to tackle tasks and offer an encouraging word.  I am proud of you!

After our delicious meal your Dad had you sit in a seat of honor beside he and I.  He shared words from his heart and scripture.  He affirmed you letting you know as you enter this next phase where your not going to be as sheltered as the younger kids from evil and whats going on in the world around us that you have both us and the folks at this table to process life with.  I respect your Dad's courage to admit that he does have lots to offer you and teach you, but he doesn't have everything and welcomes you being apprenticed by others during these next few years of school/ work/ life training.  We feel extremely blessed by God to be in such a community of folks with such diverse gifts.

Your Dad then gave everyone at the table a chance to say a few words about what they saw in you.  It was sacred ground.  As your Mother I was so proud to hear of your work ethic and leadership that others saw in you when I haven't been there beside you while you were in sports or at a job.  You grinned large, nodded and offered a humble, "Thank you."  Today, the day after, you said those words people spoke was one of the best birthday presents you got.

Then, in front of these wonderful folks, your Mama Jo, your Pop-pop and big cousin Grant too, we presented you with the inner piece of your first guitar.....a First Acts one when you were 3.  There are blood splatter marks on the piece of wood from where you played it so hard your knuckles blead.

Then....we presented you with the electric guitar you have been drooling over for months...and you cried and hugged us.  It was all just magical.  Mama Jo gave you a framed collage of pictures of you as a child on the drums, with a guitar and dancing.  It is priceless and shows your love of music from a young age.  What a treasure!

And then you and your best bud for 7 years hung out, tinkered with your new toy, watched movies late into the night, drank butterscotch beer and ate junk food.  You were so content.  How does one night change the view upon a person?  You grew up before my eyes tonight in a major way. I miss the sweet baby days with you my son, but even more so I am looking forward to being a part of the next chapter and watching you go into the world with confidence, providing and protecting, being a giver and not a taker. 

Then the boy party on Saturday...the combining of friends from different circles to have a boy day at our house even tho it was rainy was what you so wanted.  Your sisters went to play at a friends, and the Mamas of the boys brought snacks to keep you guys fed throughout the day.  It was fun to see you guys laugh, play card games, shoot sling shots, talk about music and watch a movie.  Our house is a wreck but sweet is the aroma of boys who said "Thank you, Mrs. Walters for having me."  And deep and happy is your heart for having buddies in your space for a day.

 

I love you.  I like you even more.  As you try new things, tackle new challenges, try your wings, attempt daring projects with your Dad know I believe in you and like your Dad said so well at your man dinner...."You have what it takes."