I seem to do this every year. Slump into winter with cold feet, glass half full attitude and a film of sadness over everything...my messy drawers, my inability to stay organized, the worlds crises, my kids attitudes, my marriage, my weight, the reality of porn in young teenagers lives I know, cancer in kids I know, my fiances, my unthankful heart...
Can I just turn into a black bear and hibernate till spring? Lordie, PLEASE!!!
At times I think this would be better for everyone because even I don't like being around myself when I get like this.
But hey, atleast I'm becoming more aware of it. And this year on thanksgiving morning even after coffee, candles, words and silence I felt sad, off-kilter, lonely.
Therefore, I knew a shift was needed or a crash was immeminet. A major down shift, so to feel the wind in my face, hear the rustling of leaves and feel an awakening chill to my core.
Something to bring back the lush green and deep reds to my heart. To return an authentic smile.
Do you ever loose sight of beauty?
Of the silver lining that abounds even amid the hard, the yuck and the mundane?
I wish it wasn't so. I feel guilty for even feeling it sometimes. For being an American with running water, a warm bed, a fridge with food, a machine that washes the dishes for me. Lavish blessings abound in my world so why this film of deep uggg, of discontent, of sadness, of overwhelmedness?
I don't know. Who can really understand the heart of a woman? Not even the woman, let's just be honest here.
But what came in a gentle whisper to my Sunday morning ragged hair, yesterdays eyeliner, PJed self that chose to do church at home on the first day of Advent with my safest people in this, my safe space was to get off social media and cut all the kids extra curricular activities for the month of December...except for our Abby girl who we let sign up for her first basketball team experience & is head over heels in love with it.
After we told the kids in our den over family worship we all went around and prayed about something we learned from James teaching about Advent. My 11 year old jolted my heart in his simple prayer, "Lord show me in Advent how to listen to you as we slow down."
School, church, home, meals, animals, chores. Enough. Or is that more than enough? But our American over scheduled, over extra curricularied culture has fed us- or me- a bag of lies that lead to a hurried life and I've eaten it hook, line and sinker and am now sick.
Soul sick. Exhaustion sick. Stressed sick.
The kind of sick that needs to be more gentle with myself. That needs slow. And boundaries.
Calling the music teacher, emailing the ballet teacher, the rock climbing gym coaches was pure obedience. And led to a deep exhale.
Were only on day two but already the weight is being lifted. The sound of my four kids in an all out nerf gun war in our basement yesterday afternoon brought a genuine smile.
Down shifting in December. Come, Lord Jesus, Come. We are thirsty for You. We await your coming with quiet hearts.
