A year ago I was invited to a Bikram Yoga class.
Before the class began I told the teacher I had a chronic illness called MS and I was nervous about the heat stirring it up. The teacher explained to me some benefits of the hot room and let me know I could lie down in 'Shavasana' at any time, just rest and breath through my nose. "Just don't leave the room because your body needs to properly cool down" she said.
In the first 10 minutes I was fidgety and could not relax. I was uncomfortable staring at myself in a mirror. I'm the type thats more comfortable in a baggy basketball uniform than a yoga one. I kept gasping for breath out of my mouth which your not suppost to do. Its easier to breath out of your nose and keep your mouth shut.
My mind was racing with negativity, with 'not enough', with failure and fear and insecurity. And I did exactly what I was told not to do.
I left the room.
Defeated.
A week later, I put on my big girl pants and I went back. I tried again and I stayed the whole class. Although, I didn't do all the poses and I did have to sit down or lie down in shavasana at times. At the time I saw this as failure.
Now I know it was far from it.
Sometimes choosing rest...a nap per say...or saying no to another outing...is the most spiritual thing we can do.
The silence, the sweat, the hard work beckons me these days especially as we just walked through the season of Lent...of quiet, of journeying to the cross, of looking inward.
Slowing down is not easy. We Americans pride ourselves on being busy. We attach worth and value to it like were climbing a ladder.
But what are we all racing toward anyway? Are Johnny & Katie really going to get into better colleges & live richer lives because they got to do basketball, guitar, art & cub scouts? And is Mommy happier and more valuable because she got 100 likes or 10 text & invites to play dates?
Who are we kidding?
Lately with death swirling all around me, I've jumped plain off that ladder and feel plummeted into a thirst for silence.
I've watched my best friend be torn open from aggressive breast cancer and I am changed.
Hot yoga is water to my grieving soul.
After we completed the standing series recently with what I feel is the hardest pose of all...'triangle' which uses thigh muscles, toe muscles, core strength and just plum makes my heart beat out of my skin like a crazy person we lied down in shavasana....
Hands close in to the body, palms open, heels touching and toes falling open. Just feel your belly rise and fall.
And a baby tear fell from the corner of my eye.
"Shavasana- the pose of rest is one of the most difficult poses in here" our teacher said as I cried.
After triangle pose where I feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack my first response to her words was "NOOO way!" But then, I got it.
I see that choosing to stop...to sit in the dark in the morning with candles in the dark without checking Facebook or email or this or that is courage. To face reality...to live in my messy beautiful life, not long for another one.
Choosing to sit on the floor and play babies with my girls...again...to sit and 'be' among them without being distracted by the dust, the 'to do' list, the urge to respond to someone or something is just plain hard. It is courage to sit still. To rest.
Truly, it is work to rest.
It is a choice.
Just like love.
Lord knows we don't always 'feel' like loving. I can't tell you I've always been sweet to these sweet girlies sleeping now in the room next to mine. It seems they are out to test my patience and make a plan about who will tinkle in the bed each night so that I can stay a slave to the washing machine and putting on fresh linens several times a week. Pray for me y'all.
I was a bed wetter & so are my kids. I sleep with a man on one side and often a girlie with a smelly night gown on the other at some point in the night.
Love isn't always pretty like the pictures. But love blooms from rest deep and nourishing. Souls awaken when given some space to pause and linger. We are human beings not human doings.
I want to be among the brave. I want to choose wisely and well in a world that lulls me to choose 'busy' and 'more'. To hide behind the mask of makeup and activity and safe.
I want to choose to stand in the story God is writing in and through my life with this husband and these children...with this community of 5 dear souls suffering with cancer, one of them being my best friend. And choosing to rest & engage physical activity that stretches me physically is one of the most self-less things I can do right now so that I can have courage to go out into the world and be a blessing. To stand with joy and a song on my heart amidst the battles that rage.
So come on along with me, will you? Set your timer and choose to be quiet for 5 minutes today. See if you can do it??? Rise 10 mins. earlier in the morning for intentional prayer time. Or join our community adapting 'One Simple Change.' April is "Active in April" month. Find a workout buddy and make a plan! I just stumbled upon one and I'm amazed what a difference it makes for consistent exercise. Hot diggity dog!
And for those of you that have prayed for and have asked and have seen the heaviness in my eyes for my friend...thank you for caring! This is Deshia Comeaux. She is a humble soul, a daughter of the King and woman of grace & beauty raising up 5 kids ages 15-5 on a farm nearby. I met her the first summer I lived here while our boys were taking a fishing class on the Davidson River. For 8 years we have shared life, birthday meals, airsoft wars with our boys, nutcracker plays with our girls, hikes and adventures galore. She is a warrior and is now cancer free after surgery and diligently doing everything she can diet wise to stay that way. Today she was painting bee hives preparing for her and her 13 year old sons first hives. Do keep praying for rest and healing and courage to ask for what they need as they journey this road. It has been a hard 4 months but God is so faithful and his hand of lovingkindness has been steady and true upon this family.
The winter has been long, but spring is upon us and I am glad. Aren't you!?!
What is one way you struggle to rest in this world of constant?
