October was a dream month.
We lived loud & loved strong. Sure, we fought some too. Not trying to kid anyone around here. I can pull the wool over my own eyes looking at sweet pictures of my sweet ones, but then plop right back in to this real life skin with a door slamming or crocodile tears in my face because of an injustice done at any given moment in my day. But just so I don't forget...
In October....
We woke at 5am to drive up to the parkways to watch the sunrise. I packed hot blueberry muffins & hot chocolate & tucked kids in cosy blankets close together then snuggled with my hubby to watch the worlds lights slowly turn on.
We moved our read aloud time in our school day to first thing in the morning, sipping something hot & diving into Theodore Roosevelts life.
I bought a new notebook for all 6 of us & we started chronicling what we are thankful for....through drawing pictures for younger ones & writing it out for olders. We aim for 5 but somehow end up writing many more and are happier for the writing it out thanks to Ann.
We took a week off of school & work & went to the creek house. And that is where life came back into view and I was able to step off the rat race of do, do, do, go, go, go without a breath of air.
When they were babes I struggled to feel only good for one thing...like a milk machine but now I feel like the entertainment machine, the taxi driver and meal maker on top of a part-time job.
I fought hard to get us to the creek house- my parents cabin deep in the woods. And it is there I began to see more clearly, there that I fell apart and began to be made whole again.
We finished Just David- a killer read aloud for ages 0-99 all cuddled up with hot chocolate. We went for long bike rides. The kids piled in the hammock with blankets on top just swinging and talking. We played checkers. We watched movies. We slept in & turned off alarms.
My Dad spent 2 days with us while my husband was working. He taught my boys to fly fish. And then he taught me. He set us up with a little kids rod to learn & practice on and one fit with a fly and all to really fish with. His voice was calm and full of wisdom & belief in us all.
Something I have dreamed about doing for years (who doesn't after watching A River Runs Thorugh It) but felt was too hard, too much gear, too.....so that I have stayed away from it and let it be other peoples hobbie all the while dreaming it could be mine too.
After both boys had the exhilarating experience of catching their first fish with a fly rod I had Dad show me. He said, "It's not as hard as people make it seem." I relaxed and surprised myself by getting the hang of it. Then he had to leave and I watched him pull away into the canopy of trees as I stood on the bank alone with a fly rod, tears in my throat. I would rather of known those moments with him, my kids with their granddad than gain a week in any school curriculum. Why do we push so hard?
I lingered alone up and down the bank of the creek. I got the line stuck in the tree & cussed a little. Now what?!? Instead of giving up, I cut the darn thing off and found his string and tied it back. I kept fishing pretending like I knew what I was doing, rehearsing his words in my mind till I really did know what I was doing. And just like that, I had a fish!
I screamed and laughed so loud the kids heard me from the cabin & came running which was good because I really don't care much for the grab the slimy fish part & maneuver the hook out of his mouth. Josh did this work and I just got to stand there and laugh tears and glory over our dirty jean selves, mist of rain falling down on us, listening to their applause of their old Mom catching her first rainbow trout with a fly rod. Glory be!
They scampered back up to the house with the rain thickening. But I had to sit there and soak it all in. Feel the realness of the moment even tho I was a bit wet. Somewhat amazed too that I am in the season of parenthood without a nursing baby or toddler to be constantly tended.
I began walking up the gravel road toward the dam and little hill that takes you up into a canopy of trees and forest on right and creek on your left, rain lightly pelting on my jacket, hands deep in warm pockets.
How does one live in this 24/7 world with a heart alive?
Because mine is sinking.
And just saying it out loud brings tears. But somehow in the honesty I am being made whole.
I remember something a leader a church would say on stage..."If you haven't noticed life is hard you must not be paying attention." Unfortunately, I think a lot of us are asleep, or fooling ourselves & trying to fool those around us more than we'd like to admit.
The invitations for kids activities, decisions of which to do, which is best, how much money are we willing to spend is all utterly overwhelming? Is a warm home, chores to do, a family to love you & food in your belly enough anymore? Or do we all need that plus art & music lessons, soccer, swimming, and ballet. Oh, and sunday school each week and a play date? And smart phones at 10 or 11 so you can have access to your parents at all times PLUS access to a million and two games, activities, information galore, and all the cool things your friends are doing 24/7. Will that make you happy? Or utterly overwhelmed & depressed & stuck on the treadmill of always wanting MORE or the next big thing in the long run?
I don't have the answers but I am living the questions as we are a month away from having our first teenager in the house. And two weeks away from his younger brother being 10. And it is all just getting harder and harder.
Yet, JRR Tolkiens words ring in my ears....
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
So today as I wake up and realize we are half way through November and I am bound tight and struggling for air, I choose to remember I am free. What a gift. And I DO have choices.
Because really I want to be like Mary Oliver who said,
"When its over, I want to say all my life I was a bride married to amazement."
Not...all my life I was a bride married to hurry, to not enough, to always busy, always stress. Because really, are those things what make us important?
So today, I say thank you October for reminding me I am free to choose. And thank you Dad for reminding me that I am never too old to learn a new skill cause really, it's not as hard as people make it out to be.
