What if these are the golden days?

There are weeks.  And then there are weeks.

This was one of those weeks.  It was one of fullness, of piercing moments, of enough.

Typically, the first week of dipping our toes in school rhythms I feel anxious, behind, worried I just may be screwing my kids up (don't we all at some point?) and somewhat overwhelmed.  Run thin, worn out...tired.  Amid the excitement, the joy and fun moments of course!  But this week has been markedly different and I want to remember.  I'm still wrapping my brain around why? because I don't totally know.

Maybe because last week I found out a dear friend heard the news of fresh tumors on her brain and her several year battle with cancer is coming to a close and about to usher her to the other side.  Leaving memories unmade with her precious 9 year old daughter and her husband.  Yes, this has pierced me.  Has me a bit undone and walking through the moments of my life with grateful goggles on.  Of slow down, savor this goggles.  Of recieve and be present and here....now. Of let go of perfection and what others think. 

And stop rushing to the next subject or grueling over the messes being made or making a mountain of a molehill of a fuss between siblings.  Yes, that.  And that I found out about another precious Mama in our community with 2 sweet boys, one of whom has a brain tumor.  And now, the other one has a 105 fever they can't bring down, even at Childrens Hospital.  Deep gulp.  

And I wonder...what if these are the golden days of my life?  And what if I'm sometimes missing them?  And that tho I sometimes daydream of my MFA in Creative Writing or Spiritual Direction School....lets be honest, I sometimes dream of quiet, of no more laundry, and more uninterrupted conversations with my husband, more coffee dates with friends.  But really when they are grown and gone I think I'll ache for one more PJ ed kid snuggle in my bed, one more load of little people clothes to fold, one more 'hey Mom, come see this!' moment, one more hike deep in nature hearing their chatter and make believe.  So why am I so tight sometimes & hurrying through these days, hours, weeks?  What is the goal and when will we know we are there?

So, Abba pierces me and invites me to pray for these two dear women souls who have stories that are grueling right now and he leads me to be in this chapter of my story, now.  Because I have been in one of those chapters of loss, of sickness.  And in this  piercing I am waking up afresh to the wonder of grace in my world today.

So, as I walk through the den with books scattered everywhere on the first day and a nagging tug to pick up & make neat, I choose to stop instead and glory over this view.  My kids outside together on their own accord blowing bubbles and chatting it up.  I allow my kids to take a 10 min. break between subjects to go swing, grab a snack, stretch a bit whatever they are wanting as long as they maintain the quietness in the house.  Jed is my one who B-lines for something outside be it a tree, sandbox, chickens, catching grasshoppers or blowing bubbles.  I love that home educating provides this for him.

This is another view from my kitchen window I will never tire of.  This happy big man cub running out to check on his flock.  And this week instead of getting tense about 'did he rush through his math' or 'why is he out there again' I stopped washing dishes and said 'thanks' for his growing up self, for the way he loves and worrys over those birds and that he is blossoming before my eyes into a hard worker and a compassionate lover of life and God and those around him.  I chose to smile over him.

Josh is loving the guitar these days and making some sweet tunes in our home.  Hard to believe he is now officially in middle school.  He has had a year of lessons from Eddie at Area 22 guitars and has stuck with a hard practice weekly schedule.  It is paying off!  He is dreaming of a band, of an electric guitar for his big 13. 

Well, this is another sweet moment that I teared up over this week.  

During her room time Lydia always changes clothes & today it was into her ballet leotards.  She loves dressing up, playing babies & listening to sweet stories on LibriVox app (FREE!) or Audible while she plays.   As I started calling for lunch this is what I found... that he stopped his practice to engage his sister and was speaking in a such a kind, calm teaching way to her about her fingers just so was priceless.  Another reminder that relationships take t. i. m. e.  Time and space to be together.  I agree with Ann Voskamp that somehow, in making our schedule simpler, our lives are richer.

Banana Grams -a great game for any age.  Here, Jed is playing alone making words.  With younger ones we say the letter sound and make simple words, their names, ect.  With olders we play like scrabble.  Games are a great learning tool.  This week we all 5 played some math games with a deck of cards & had some good laughs!  Guess who won the first game....little bit Lydia!

Joshs workspace for early am Math

Jed, Abby & I are forging into latin this year!

Abby girl loves her violin.  After handwriting & math she is hankering to get outside and play some tunes!  And I enjoy  stopping to listen and hear her critique herself.  Music is super for the brain.  And the daily practice and sticking to it even when its hard is good for them.  The reward is sweet melodies & the joy of blessing others with music.  Lately, Crooked Creek, Ode to Joy and Beautiful Skies fill our home.

This is a typical afternoon work around here.  With an acre of mostly grass we have plenty of work to engage in outside.  Boys hot and tired and muscles burning are a good thing.  Thank you today for bodies that work, for a bit of land to tend.  And help me not to grumble about why my husband won't buy a riding mower.
 

This first week of school we planned a hike with friends.  Nurturing for the Mama Bear & the cubs!  Nature time is high priority over here.  I love the recent things I've read proving time in nature effects kids emotionally & socially & intellectually.  What a gift in our world to have a family that has a friend for each child in mine!  Thank you Father for leading us to friendships that build up and encourage in each stage of our lives.  Watching this particular bunch grow over the last 7 years has been a treat.

5 years old.  A moldable young sapling.  A sponge, soaking up all that fills her world.  I'm honored to be the one to choose books & music to fill her soul, food that nourishes and builds healthy cells and to structure her day with work and play.  She is eager this year to be up and doing her 'morning routine' so to be in the kitchen as the designated 'Breakfast Helper & Chooser.'  Dr. Sears tools for a brainy breakfast guide our choices and influence these growing brains.

Beautiful Feet Books is a great resource.  Also Before 5 in a Row by Jane Claire Lambert for this age.  She and I do Kindergarten work in the morning when she is eager and fresh.  This day we read Blueberries for Sal by Robert McClosky.  I gave her a pail like little Sal had and we picked blueberries too!  Because of a wonderful book Landscaping with Fruit Trees that a dear friend gave me I planted these 6 blueberry bushes in our front yard a few years back.

 

This.  This.  Isn't this where it gets messy.  Where Mamas can loose it real quick?  Where we want...space...?  Well, I'm learning to breath through it in this space and this week I found my self saying, "Good lands, I have a fridge.  And its full of FOOD.  I have running water.  Oh. My.  Stars."  Which this mindset was encouraged by a post at www.momastary.com.  A worthwhile read!  That there are starving children in the world breaks me.  To be a Momma who can't find water for her child or get fresh food.  We forget how darn spoiled we Americans are, me included.

Today, this space is dirty.  The sink is always full.

Yes, Jed is our dishwasher emptier and Lydia is our dish washer.  And Josh is our trash taker outer.  And Abby is our table/bench wiper.  But.  It is a space of work & creativity & food prep.  And yes, my almost teenager is usually changing the Pandora station, introducing us all to new tunes, my girls are usually singing something and Jed gets in and out as quick as possible.  Unless I reel him in and pick a tickle fight of course.  

The bantering, the laughing, the down right dancing that goes on in here is priceless.  And yes, the arguing, the saying "I'm sorry" the make up hugs and Mommy/ Daddy kisses happen too. And somehow in this space, where we sit down and eat 3 meals a day together, feast on Scripture, on artwork by VanGogh or a poem sometimes....somehow this week I just inhaled it all.  And my cup overflows.

And tho I have spent hours choosing books for them to learn from this year it occurred to me through a post by Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com that maybe the main thing I'm teaching them, the most important thing is love.  How to love someone...how to put anthers needs above their own...what it looks and feels like to love...to be loved and to give love away.

On the first day of school my students get presents!  And this girl is not shy about showing how full her heart is.  She has been so excited about starting Kindergarten with Mommy and doing CC (Classical Conversations).  Though she does miss Miss Tina her wonderful preschool teacher and I thought for a while she would be a KinderOwl at the Montoursi like school in town it has become clear this summer to James & I that the best place for her to learn and grow and flourish is here at The Walters Greenhouse (the name we chose for our school 10 years ago).  

Goodness knows we have enough for her to explore and do and friends to play with and dollies to love and dress and care for.  I love this shot of her and Jed I got this summer at the Creekhouse.  They have a special bond and play so well together.  She looks up to him and trust him and often asks, "What do you think, Jed?"  She let him take her down the creek on the back of the kayak hollering the whole way.   And to think that I almost signed them both up for 'another' camp that week...

So, as I sit on my bed and finish writing this outpouring of our week I am thankful for this space to chronicle memories in my world.  

And I am also hesitant because we all put our puzzles together differently as Sally Clarkson says so often.  And tho I am finally confident of how I have been led to put my puzzle pieces together I in no way want you to feel pressure to pattern your world after mine.  I am following Fathers heartbeat as I listen the best I can for how to piece together my ordering of our days, our education, our service in this hurting world.  I hear his whispers of love afresh in the birds each morning, the dew on the mountains, the warmth in my coffee.  And I pray you do too whatever that looks like for you this week.  Grace and peace to your heart.  Today.

A different kind of summer

Summer is in full swing over here.  We ate lunch yesterday at 2pm...with lemonade.  

It was a Saturday of being fully home together, doing projects and playing, projects and more play.  The rule around here this summer the professor decided is no screen time during the week, iPod for music only.  Then on the weekends, between projects & outings the kids can play.  It has worked well once we got past the assumption of playing all day if we are home all day.  "Yes, you will still eat food and care for your animals and yes, there are still limits even tho it is summertime."  Geeze louise, kids!

It seems this summer has ushered in a whole new chapter in my life as a parent.  I feel the abrupt reality of no more toddlers in my bed, no more need to make each meal on weekends.  There is a twinge of loss there and ache for another little Walters for sure.  Yet, I feel certain my chapter to live with work in an orphanage loving/ serving babies and toddlers will come.  One day.  All in due time.

Mostly, tho this chapter I am still living into is pretty grand.  For the first time in 12 years I can take my kids to the pool and read a magazine, like a whole article.  Yes, eyes still have a clue where they are in the pool & YES I do jump in and still play some too!  But.....I can have a  full conversation with another person.  And my kids make up fun games together.  And laugh hard.  And I sit, sip my smoothie, read, exhale.  Oh my!  Truly a new freedom for this Mama Bear.  I love it!

All except for the few Mamas that have their Moms or Mother-in-laws by their side to share in the experience which leaves an ache in my heart and pit in my tummy cause thats not my reality.

This winter I made my 9 & 8 year old kids do a month of swim club in order to learn some strokes cause I think its a valuable skill.  My oldest 12 year old was determined not to take a class and so he and I took turns swimming laps and playing with littlest girl in shallow end.  By the last week, he was putting on fins and using hand paddles and Coach Cassie was complementing his strokes.  Lydia began a four week private lesson with her sweet friend.  Week 3 the girl started swimming by herself!  Little fish.  

Feburary turned to March and the kids wanted to sign up for the next session.  We did and I am so glad.  Friendships forged over this early evening rhythm of meeting in the pool.  Schoolwork and chores were completed in a timely manner so we wouldn't be late.  I planned supper & set the dinner table in the morning.  Showering afterward got easier, the girls started remembering clean panties and boys their towels.  And I loved the invitation to play in the water with my oldest and my youngest.  Everyone in same room, getting exercise, being with others.

March turned into April and Coach Cassie decided to start her own swim team.  Her expertise in the sport coupled with her love of children and gift of patiently relating to them make her one of the best coaches I've ever observed.  A rare treasure indeed.  To my surprise, all four desired to be on the team this summer.  

Which entails a morning (you can tell by her jacket) and an evening practice Monday -Thursday.  Friday afternoon is fun games only.  Just certain that would be tooooo much for my crew I asked Coach Cassie if we could only come once a day and to my delightful surprise she had the most mature answer.  Something to the effect of, "YOU make that call and do whats best for your kids, the more they come the stronger they will get of course, but mainly I want them to enjoy the sport and experience.  Hot dog!  With that freedom I posed the practice schedule to my kids.  

And they surprised me too!  They wanted to come in the morning because Coach Cassie said to bring your tennis shoes to do some running and strength training.  And.....she brings doughnuts on Wednesday mornings.  Oh my!  

So this summer finds me with kids who are literally setting their alarms for 7am so they can wake in time to do their morning chores, eat breakfast, pack their swim bags and be in the car by 7:50.  AM.  All four of them ages 5, 8, 9 & 12.  Monday through Thursday.  

This is some of them on a Wednesday morning after doughnuts.  They get to put their feet in the hot tub.  Relax a bit before showering, chat it up, enjoy the coolness of the morning.  And my overly health oriented, sometimes controlling self who wanted to change the rhythm to yogurt & fruit on Wednesdays has relaxed to see the joy of this magical treat after a hard workout with friends.

And I even bought the doughnuts last week.  And my kids grinned large and loud with surprise and pure wonder over me, their Mother buying lots of doughnuts.  

And this summer, I am learning to lean into different, into kids wanting to spread wings and try and embrace to new rhythms.  I have even started swimming IM's and hytopsics.  I swam in the lane beside my 12 year old last week and he coached me through what an IM was.  I don't want to forget these days.  Yes, my washing machine runs daily, I tire of the sun, I am food prep queen, I tire of messes and servanthood like all working Mamas do as I seem to be working 14 hour days lately.  But the goodness and the richness exceeds the exhaustion of bone tired, teary afternoons.  Always.

Because some days, I just want to yell

Scrambling to clean up from the day, picking up, wiping, prepping the lentils & rice for when hungry, wet & tired bodies scraggle into my kitchen after a day of swim team & sun & work & school, I am stopped by 9 year old boy, introvert, standing in my path tears pouring out with every other word.

Big brother and friend duo were being too rough & macho boys on the trampoline.  I walk outside (well...I stomp actually) and see no boys but rather just the girls on trampoline.  So I bark out his name and he and friend come from the side of the house.  He red faced and a bit emotional and friend already saying, "He didn't do it, really!"

And why in these moments does it all rush back from my childhood?  Me 9 and my older sister hurting me in some shape or form, nails, feet or words that lodged deep and loud but quiet, peacemaker me had no tools to fight back, to solve the problem so I retreated, slunk back, gave up time and again.  And now, even as a grown woman, I feel the hurt and wish I could go back and stand up for myself.

So of course I am partial to 9 year old over 12.  And I am ready to dish out punishment large after I hear both sides when I suddenly ask a question and get a major curve ball, dagger to my heart.  "What were you doing behind the side of the house?"  And his answer clear and honest diffuses me and leaves me undone, raw and forced to look at the speck in my own eye.  "I was scared you'd yell at us."

And just like that, I gulped hard, bit my lip and whispered deep in my heart, "Help me Jesus not to harm but to help, to bind up and not to break."  I am guilty of yelling.  I was about to be guilty of embarrassing him in front of friend and all, for goodness knows he deserved it.  

Yet, how do you reel it all back in and not let it fly in the heat of the moment?  How am I to be the adult here when I feel like the 8 year old girl again, broken and bruised and finally ready to stand up and pull back the bow.  I don't have the answers.  All I know is words can scar and words can wound and lodge deep and fester when left unchecked.  I've been on both the receiving and the giving end unfortunately.  

As I grow up unto all the fullness of Christ, mature into 5th grade from 4th in my conflict resolution skills I am learning that usually when I feel deep anger, rage even, that it usually isn't about the issue at hand.  The issue, the squabble to referee, the broken glass, the spilt milk is just the trigger to push up some undealt with something that if I can be brave enough and face, grieve, yell at that sister face in my pillow that I can spare a lot of pain in my present hall of memories.  

My counselor back in Wenatchee, WA used to say the world would be a sweeter place if we'd stop throwing up on the sidewalk -ie. to each other- and learn to throw up in the toilet large and loud and then flush (i.e.-palms open, give it to Jesus, trust he's big enough to handle it).  And in those days she taught me to put my kids in front of Veggie Tales safe and walk back into the bathroom and speak out the deep hurt, yell even, grunt, pound the sink, kick the door, cuss even and then flush.

And there at 3327 School Street, the parsonage house we rented with orange carpet and white picket fence I learned that I was angry about some things and that being honest with my anger could lead to great hope and healing.  It hasn't been an easy road but I've learned that throwing up to the ones I love doesn't produce what I desire.

Medicine for Rushed Children

 There is a magical place I take my kids each summer.  

Yesterday,  I dropped one of my four off for his 3rd year at Gwynn Valley Camp in Brevard, NC.   I not only saw but felt the magic of slow, of nature beauty, of camp.  And it pierced my heart so deep....I cried.  

Teared up right there in the darn business office waiting for the gal to copy my insurance card.  Silly me.  What is 'this' about? I asked myself, only having been on campus for 5 minutes.   

Just a slow drive down the lane with 7 1/2 mph sign, creek on one side, expanse of tall grass field on other with wild horses roaming, a jolly greeting by a fella from the UK and a short walk down the road with signs for foot traffic only.  

Why was I so teary already?  The therapy of green, of horses and smiles coupled with kindness and wide open spaces and the smell of lush greenery touched my soul like a warm fatherly hand on my shoulder.  It was an invitation to be human, to rest and soak up the simple things in life in a community of families from literally  all over the world.   And I felt like I could unpack my bag and stay for a spell.  

But its his turn.  

His chance to revel in this magical place called Gwynn Valley.  

His turn to make pottery, candles, baskets even. To splash in the pond, to sing silly songs.

To feed milk to baby goats from a bottle, hold chicks, harvest carrots & potatoes & broccoli from the farm.  To make new friends, to grow and stretch and be challenged some.  To go creek hiking, kayak if he wants or just catch crawl dads in the creek.  

In a recent conversation with my sister, who has her Masters degree in Early Childhood Development, we skimmed the surface of how rushed children (even our own at times) are these days, how competitive parenting has become and the challenges of raising healthy & whole kids... mind, body & spirit in a world full of both beauty & yucky.  

I'm spoiled to have a childhood/ parenting goroo for a sister and friend.  

I realized how I'm finally in the place in my life where I am thankful for the 2 earthquakes that  led me to an about face in my career 15 years ago.  Being diagnosed with a chronic disease at 21 and then delivering my second son, William as a stillborn and placing his body in my Moms butterfly garden made me face my immortality and what truly matters in the long run earlier than most do I reckon. 

And this place seems to embody it all...all that I've stumbled to piece together in my life and the lives of our little crew.  

After I fell apart and died a silent death with my William, I birthed fresh steps toward simplicity, toward a life lived with margins on the page and mostly out of doors.  Ground my wheat & made our own bread.  Said "No" to a 2 family income and "Yes" to less.  

Yes to lingering meals with my husband and each child that was added.  Yes to walks and hikes and bike rides.  Yes to books and learning to raise bees and chickens.

As I walk through campus taking pictures after making his bed and chatting with counselors I am struck by how blessed we are to have a treasure like this right here in our own little town.  

And I glory in the unique opportunity my kids have to come and be a kid surrounded by other kids both big and small, cause geese-louise those counselors even seem happy to be at a job where they are being fully human and not glued to a screen.  To be living in reality in this haven of a spot for both workers and campers alike.  

Grant and Anne Bullard have created not only fertile soil for hundreds of pounds of food to grow each year on the 320 acres they own but also fertile soil for thousands of pounds of goodness to sprout and grow in kids souls.   

A safe place for good work to be done each day.  A place to do your chores in the cabin, to be among peers without the 'whose who' of their own friends, a place to be fully alive without even the option of screen time.

And.  It.  Is.  A. Marvelous.  Place. 

If you've never seen first hand this little piece of heaven, I invite you to come take a look. 

This place embodies one of the most shaping books I have read over the last 12 years as a parent called Last Child in the Woods.  Here is the skinny on the meat of what Richard Louv found out when researching kids and their worlds today.

'Last Child in the Woods'

'Saving our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder"

by Richard Louv

"I like to play indoors better 'cause that's where all the electrical outlets are," reports a fourth grader.  Never before in history have children been so plugged in and so out of touch with the natural world.  In this groundbreaking new work, child advocacy expert Richard Louv directly links the lack of nature in the lives of today's wired generation-he calls it nature deficit-to some of the most disturbing childhood trends, such as rises in obesity, Attention Deficit Disorder and depression.  

The rate at which doctors prescribe antidepressants to children has doubled in the last five years, and recent studies show that too much computer use spells trouble for the developing mind.  Nature-deficit disorder is not a medical condition; it is a description of the human costs of alienation from nature.  This alienation damages children and shapes adults, families, and communities.  There are solution, though, and they're right in our own backyards.  

'Last Child in the Woods' is the first book to bring together cutting-edge research showing that direct exposure to nature is essential for healthy childhood development-physical, emotional, and spiritual.  What's more, nature is a potent therapy for depression, obesity, and ADD.  Environment-based education dramatically improves standardized test scores and grade point averages and develops skills in problem solving, critical thinking, and decision making.  Even creativity is stimulated by childhood experiences in nature.

This old water wheel still works.  It powers the gears that grind corn to make corn meal.  The children take a colander and sift out grass & ants from the corn kernels, atleast that is what my 7 year old told me.  Then they fill sacks with the freshly ground cornmeal and carry the sacks to the kitchen for grits in the morning.  

 Bonfire wood and benches just waiting for boys & girls to gather round and linger right outside their cabin.  Something that we do often as a family, but how wonderful for my kids to have these experiences with their peers.

After driving down the one lane road and parking, these are the signs that meet you before walking down the lane that smells of fresh dew & mountain laurel... your entrance to camp. 

The words bid me to s l o w.  

Slow down.  

Exhale.

Cause sometimes, we need a sign that just clearly says, "SLOW DOWN MAMA!"  "These are little persons your dealing with.  They need fresh air, conversation, time to 'be'."  How we forget this as Mamas & Daddies I don't know.  Call it stress or fatigue or what have you.  But young and old alike need a talking to sometimes.  

I've even had a few with my kids grandparents in my head lately on long jogs alone and on teary days when I feel so alone in the world.  "Stay still.  Make space for us will you?  The shaping is not only in the holidays, but in the every days, the ordinary days.  My kids are people that need role models not on stages but in real life, and I want you to be one of them.  But that takes time."

And lastly, here is the skinny on my second all time favorite, most helpful parenting books.                     I hope you'll consider finding a copy & reading whether your kids are babies or teenagers.

The Hurried Child 

'growing up too fast too soon' 

by David Elkind

With the first edition of The Hurried Child,  'growing up too fast too soon' David Elkind emerged as the voice of parenting reason, calling our attention to the crippling effects of hurrying our children through life.  He showed that by blurring the boundaries of what is age appropriate, by expecting-or imposing-too much too soon, we force our kids to grow up too fast, to mimic adult sophistication while secretly yearning for innocence.

 In the more than two decades since this book first appeared, new generations of parents have inadvertently stepped up the assault on childhood, in the media, in schools, and at home.  In the third edition of this classic Dr. Elkind provided a detailed, up-to-the-minute look at the Internet, classroom culture, school violence, movies, television, and a growing societal incivility to show parents and teachers where hurrying occurs and why.

 And as before, he offered parents and teachers insight, advice and hope for encouraging healthy development while protecting the joy and freedom of childhood.  In this 25th anniversary edition of the book, Dr. Elkind delivers important new commentary to put a quarter century of trends and change into perspective for parents today.

And if you'd like to see a little video of the place...here you go.

vimeo.com/14128578