The day my 6 year old taught me to be brave...

I woke this morning with my coffee and this...

"Lord, I want to be brave like Lydia."

"Show me."

These whispers.  They come and sometimes they fly away in the bustle of life but other times I sit with them and invite the Spirit to show me more.  Today I sat.  And what came blew breezes into my face and awakened my soul to the adventure of parenting, of daily life.

Lydia is 6.  She is blonde and fair skinned but don't let that tender beauty fool you!  She also has a bright mind and strong personality.

Last night as I half heartedly walked through the putting to bed routine, we grabbed a book and she sat in a chair in her room and I sat on her bed but was tired and uncomfortable.  So we moved across the hall to my bed where she now decided she would read the book The Little House by Virginia Burton.  Treasure of a story! 

 But a story with lots of words on each page and I....well, I started looking at my phone on about page 5 after the wonder of her reading this book to me that  I've read so, so many times to her in her childhood faded away.  I was distracted and ready to unplug from being so plugged into my children, my home, my life all day long.  

And so she growled a bit, "MOM!"  And kicked my feet and so our reading time grew sour and I just hate ending the day like that. But, I'm so spent at the end of the day it takes effort to stay present and engaged.  

Lots of "Jesus, live through me so I don't growl tonight."  Cause truth be told about once a month I feel like I turn into a mad mama bear and I don't really like it.

So I said, "I'm sorry, darlin."  And rolled over to hug her and kiss her soft cheeks.

And then she boldly asked for what she needed.

To play, to connect with me, to be silly and see joy on my face.

She did this by asking me to tickle her and so I did.  She is very ticklish and LOVES to laugh and has a great one at that so this is not hard work for me.  But then not fully satisfied she asked me where I was ticklish.  Hesitativly I said, my feet.  And she proceeded to try to tickle my feet but she didn't really succeed, so I pretended to laugh.

Not so satisfied she asked, "Mom, where else are you ticklish?"

To which I replied, "Under my arms."

Her smirk of mischief and the twinkle in her eye spelled joy and I was glad.  So I lifted my arm for her to dig her little fingers into my arm pit which sent me into a high pitched giggle.  She was hooked and I was discovered.

30 minutes later and way past her bedtime I called it quits. 

To which she gently kept pressing in and asked for more.

"Mom, put me over your shoulder and do that 1,2,3 thing and throw me in bed on 3, k?"

And I really wanted to say, "No, no.  Enough already.  Go.  To.  Sleep.  BYE!"

But a little something in me genuinely wanted to say yes to her and was intrigued by her pursuit of me.  So I played along and threw her into bed and then without so much as a peep she rolled over, let me tuck her in real snug, smooch her cheeks & sing my little song I always sing over her and walk out the door.  

And she didn't call out for....Dad to come say goodnight, or water, or one more hug, or more light, or, or, or anyone of the million things children come up with to traumatize us parents with at night.

And I lay in my bed for a respite of quite before tackling the leftover dishes, undone chores, texts needing a response, ER bills needing to be paid ect. ect....  

And in that little space of quiet its as if Papa smiled over me saying... 

"Your beautiful with a bright mind and strong personality too you know?!"  

"And just like you generously gave your daughter what she needed and asked for so I too love to give generously to you.  I love it when you delight in me and press into me and ask and let me fill your tank."  

"I see you.  I know you.  But I will not force myself upon you." 

Gulp.

And so this morning after waking with the realization that I want to be brave like Lydia I sat with my Papa on my front porch as I do each morning with my coffee, with the birds & butterflies visiting our feeders and bushes nearby.  With the wonder of nature, sounds and smells and life giving words in scripture I was wakened afresh to the wonder of life in all its complexity, messes and glory alike.  

Wakened afresh to my own complexity, insecurity, messes & glory.  

And taking the time to ask why I admired Lydias pressing into me and asking for what she wanted and needed...I heard some wonderful things.  Its amazing to me how intimate God wants to be with us.  Truly lovely.  And scary close.  Deeply peaceful.  And wonderful.

Though, I still don't have it all figured out this how to be brave and bold and ask for what I need like my 6 year old.  And I'll probably wake tomorrow with doubts and fears the same as today.  Yet, I know I am on a journey where authentic brave calls me forward into a new chapter of believing and becoming.  Not for the sake of fame or money but rather for the knowing of contribution.  Of standing on my own two feet.  Of the offering of the gifts I've been entrusted with.  Mainly, my voice through the written and spoken word.

Hello world, it's me, Abbas Warrior Princess, Mandy Jones turned grown up Amanda Walters ready to greet you as a writer.


"We wake if ever we wake at all to mystery."  annie dillard